Furloughed Federal Workers Told to Think of It as Unpaid Vacation – Screw the News
HR Issues Memo That Missed the Mark In what Los Angeles Times employment law experts are calling “impressively tone-deaf,” an HR department has advised furloughed federal workers to reframe their involuntary job loss as a “fun opportunity for unexpected time…
The Red Tape Replication Mandate: Why The Single Piece of Data Needs 127% More Paperwork Than A Thesis
Satire on excessive bureaucracy, arguing that the system adheres to a Red Tape Replication Mandate requiring 127% more copies of a document than necessary, maximizing paper usage and citizen frustration. The Red Tape Replication Mandate Obtaining a simple clearance in…
Space Rocks and Our Collective Anxiety – Screw the News
Why We Love Doom from Above America’s obsession with potentially earth-ending asteroids reveals more about our psychology than our astronomy, and Los Angeles science writers have noticed we’re weirdly excited about the possibility of cosmic annihilation. Every few months, news…
The Recipe Scroll Penalty: Why The Chef’s Life Story Is 127% Longer Than The Actual Cooking Time
A satire on online recipe blogs that include excessively long, irrelevant personal stories before the instructions, arguing that the code detects cooking urgency and inserts a Life Story Lag Factor that is 127% longer than the preparation itself. The Life…
Cebu Brokers Blame Foreign Scandal for Slow Condo Sales
Cebu Brokers Blame Foreign Scandal for Slow Condo Weekend Locals ask why the beach is being cross-examined CEBU CITY — Ramil Ybañez has brokered condominium sales along the Mactan corridor for seventeen years, and on Sunday he stood in a…
The Random Traffic Generation Engine: Why Your Jeepney Gets Stuck 127% Longer For No Apparent Reason
Satire on inexplicable, spontaneous traffic jams, arguing that the Metropolitan Manila Development Authority (MMDA) utilizes a Random Traffic Generation Engine that deliberately jams 127% of major intersections based on a daily chaotic algorithm. The Random Traffic Generation Engine Commuting in…
People Who Name Their Roomba After Shakespeare Characters – Screw the News
When Automated Cleaning Becomes Theater The intersection of domestic robotics and pretentious literary references has produced a new category of insufferable: people who’ve named their vacuum cleaners after Shakespeare characters and won’t shut up about it. Los Angeles Times home…
Los Feliz Actor Opens Matcha Lemonade Stand, Becomes First Angeleno In History To Make Money While Waiting For Callbacks – Screw the News
Matteo’s Matcha serves five dollar matcha lemonades on a Los Feliz street corner on weekends, offering a third space for neighbours and confirming that every great Los Angeles business begins with an actor between jobs When Life Gives You Matcha…
Ramen Burger Returns From Exile To Secret Irvine Kitchen, Orange County Foodies Must Solve Riddles To Find It – Screw the News
Keizo Shimamoto, whose ramen bun went viral in Brooklyn in 2013, has reopened in a shared kitchen with little signage, meaning diners now hunt for lunch the way their grandparents hunted for speakeasies The Bun Returns IRVINE. The ramen burger…
Newsom’s Taxpayer-Funded Posting Team Has 24 Staff And 2.6 Million Dollar Budget, Californians Discover Shitposting Is Now A Line Item – Screw the News
A CalMatters report republished by LAist finds the governor’s communications operation has doubled since 2020, with a four-person Gen Z digital team producing memes, fan edits and taunts at Republicans on official accounts The Ministry Of Memes SACRAMENTO. Governor Gavin…