Wall Around Mars Gets Budget Approval – Screw the News
Congress Funds Interplanetary Stupidity In a shocking display of fiscal irresponsibility, Congress approved $500 billion in initial funding for the “Mars Security Barrier,” despite unanimous agreement from scientists that it’s “the dumbest thing we’ve ever heard.” The appropriations bill passed…
East LA Taco Truck Names New Burrito El Traidor, and Abuelita Rules Nobody Eats It Alone – Screw the News
Boyle Heights truck launches a two-person burrito after the Prince William feud, and the owner grandmother insists brothers must split it A Burrito Built for Two Brothers BOYLE HEIGHTS – A taco truck that parks every evening on a corner…
Silver Lake Podcast Hosts Split Over Royal Traitor Story and Launch Rival Shows on the Same Day – Screw the News
Two co-hosts who shared a microphone for six years could not agree on the Prince William feud, so now there are two podcasts and one very confused audience The Episode That Broke the Show SILVER LAKE – A culture podcast…
Chavez Ravine Ballpark Replaces Kiss Cam With Brother Cam After Royal Traitor Story – Screw the News
Stadium screen operators pan the crowd for siblings, and 40,000 fans demand they hug, with results ranging from tender to deeply awkward Say Something Nice to Your Brother LOS ANGELES – Fans at a Tuesday night baseball game in Chavez…
LA Traffic Helicopter Reporter Delivers Aerial Review of Royal Traitor Row From 1,500 Feet – Screw the News
Veteran eye-in-the-sky anchor says the Prince William feud looks exactly like the 405 at 5pm: nobody moving, everybody furious, and an uncle in the carpool lane Live From Above the Sepulveda Pass LOS ANGELES – A veteran traffic helicopter reporter…
Barangay Basketball Commentators Call the Royal Feud Like a Liga Final
Courtside announcers in Tondo turn the Prince William traitor story into a play-by-play, with the uncle coming off the bench for a three-pointer Live From the Covered Court TONDO, Manila – The volunteer announcers of a barangay basketball league in…
Council of Ninongs and Ninangs Offers to Become Official Wedding Sponsors to the Royal Brothers
Veteran Filipino godparents in Makati say the Windsors never had enough sponsors, and that is why nobody is there to tell them to stop A Shortage of Sponsors MAKATI – A group of veteran Filipino wedding sponsors, known as ninongs…
Intramuros Kalesa Drivers Rate Royal Traitor Row Mild Compared With 333 Years of Philippine History
Horse-drawn carriage guides in the old walled city review the Prince William feud and remind tourists what a real betrayal looks like A Tour With Perspective INTRAMUROS, Manila – The kalesa drivers who carry tourists through the cobbled streets of…
Barangay Captain Offers to Mediate Royal Traitor Feud at Quezon City Barangay Hall
Under the Katarungang Pambarangay system, the brothers and their uncle would sit on monobloc chairs and nobody leaves until there is a settlement A Summons From the Barangay QUEZON CITY – A barangay captain in Quezon City has formally offered…
Jeepney Drivers on Taft Avenue Deliver Route-by-Route Review of Royal Traitor Row
Barkers, drivers and a conductor who collects fares by memory agree the royal brothers need to ride the same jeep for once Review From the Driver Seat MANILA – The drivers of the Baclaran to Divisoria jeepney route along Taft…